You know what’s weird (but good)? I’m not shy about money. You can see how much I’ve written about money or salary related things here, here, here and here. Not having to worry about money the way I was back in 2011 is yet one of the many parks I have at this job.
See, when I moved back to the US 5 years ago, I was making about $20k more than as a postdoc, but I truly didn’t feel that change because a) I moved ot NYC, and while the cost of almost everything was cheaper than in Canada … rent was a bitch (truly the only downside I saw of living in NYC) and b) I’d just learned that a loan I’d cosigned was not being paid and I took that duty on my shoulders so as to not fuck up some more my already battered credit score (I can’t give too many details, but suffice it to say, this involved more than 2 people and there was shouting and family issues involved). Eventually I had to move jobs as my first post-academia job didn’t pay enough, and we all know how that turned out.
I was making lots of money (compared to say …. when I started grad school … or even as a postdoc), but I wasn’t happy. I felt as if my wings were clipped, my dreams crushed and my soul stomped on. Luckily I got out and I’m doing much better.
Right before the end of my time in #toxiclab, I decided to get really, reeeeeally serious about debt. I mean, I was paying stuff off, but just the minimum, so it would take me until 2078 (an exaggeration) to pay it all off. I was spending money on covering household stuff because my husband was underemployed, I hadn’t taken a decent vacation in a while, and whatever money was left over was being spent on clothes and house decor BS … mostly because I was trying to fill the void that the job I hated had created.
Sometime in 2015 things started clicking and I decided to add more change to what I was paying on my cards and other debts. At first it sucked, but as I saw the balance getting smaller and smaller, I started to feel like I was really on my way to being debt free. Back in August I updated my resolutions for 2016 and you can read up some more on how I felt about paying off one of my debts.
I’d been plugging numbers for quite some time, and seeing one of those debts just whoosh out of existence gave me this high … a high I’ve been on for a few months now. That has served as inspiration to keep it going. I’m nowhere near done, but I can see a light, though small and faint, I can see it.
I’m trying for a final push this year to see if instead of two debts, I end up with 3 at 0 balance. While paying all those children of Satan I’ve managed to go on a really cool vacation with my hubs paid in cash. The first vacation I’ve come home from without a single penny charged to a card before or after. I finished paying a small loan I’d co-signed years ago and while I celebrated paying it off too, it didn’t feel nearly as good because I took responsibility for a debt I didn’t see a cent of (crazy, I know).
I went to a conference and used my savings to pay for it. Once I was reimbursed, a good chunk of that went into paying another card. That’s the one I’m trying to eliminate before December 31st. I don’t think it’ll happen, but I’m damn sure trying my best.
If all continues as it’s been, I should be debt free by December of next year. I don’t want to celebrate just yet, but I have set it as a goal and I’ll try my best to keep it going. I sometimes run my numbers on a sheet of paper (I’m old school, baby) and I can’t believe my eyes when I see how much money I’d end up seeing, and saving when all is said and done.
See, I never envisioned getting into debt, and when I did and was deep down, I felt so ashamed. And I kept piling it on and on thinking (foolishly) that somehow I’d get out and deal with it some other time. I guess it was my naivete or simply stupidity. But the truth is that pure effort, consistency and discipline have been the things to keep me going. It is sure easy to close my eyes, forget about it all and just open credit card accounts or loans left and right. But having tasted the goodness of paying stuff off and seeing how much money is left in my account, knowing that if I decide to buy a couch, or fix a small issue on my car I can do it and not fear that I won’t have enough money to eat or get to work …. I mean, it’s simply amazing.
I’ll continue posting as I get closer to my goal of being debt-free in 2017.
As usual, I know I’ve been absent from both here and the Twitts. I guess that after the #tourofdepression2015 I needed to disconnect a bit, and while I’m doing better now … some of that disconnect appears to be here to stay.
Gosh, where do I start? I have a million things in my head. I went to a conference and a workshop. I got to see some former labmates from two jobs ago, and I still love them dearly. I got in touch with one of my top bosses from my previous job (but not #toxicboss) and got to tell him about the good review, the raise, how different things feel (but not in a way that painted my former situation all that bad … I didn’t mention once #toxicboss or anything. He said he’s genuinely happy that things are looking up.
Indeed … I’ve gotten to do, experience and feel so many positive things this year. Even with a loss in the family and a hectic schedule at times, overall, compared to the last 5 years, this year has behaved.
I’m happy at my job and feel useful. I get to hang out with some of my students off campus (both a conferences and at home, a time or two, and always keeping it professional, no getting drunk or showing boobs or ass around). I’ve instituted rules and procedures … and while I have to remind some of the students to book something far in advance, or be nice and tell others when they’re done using some equipment, overall, I’m happy with them.
I’ve made lots of connections, at school and away, and for the first time in a long time I haven’t looked at a job posting since I started a job. That’s so weird to me. I feared being mistreated again, or getting bored, or something else. But overall I’m happy with the way things are right now.
It’s so unusual, I sometimes don’t know how to deal with these feelings of being in the right place, with the right people. I no longer fear waking up and realizing it was all a dream, but it still takes me by surprise that I can *be* and *feel* happy to belong somewhere.