Yes, yes. I know that during the last year I’ve started more than a few posts with the words ‘live’, ‘living’, ‘alive’, ‘still here’, etc, etc …
But this is a different alive. This is current me looking back at this time last year and wondering how I didn’t jump off a cliff, how I managed to stay on foot and appear semi-neurotypical, given how nasty things were going in my professional life. I’m thankful for listening to my voice (and the voice of my other half) and seeking help, even when I thought there was nothing wrong with me.
There were many, many things going bad in my life. I just couldn’t feel. I thought I was sane (I was sane, and extremely anxious and depressed), but I was just going through the motions, and I didn’t even realize that! I was a zombie and I was too hurt to even realize it.
Looking back I can see that I’m miles away from that old me. I’m able to feel, able to celebrate, cry, stomp my feet when an instrument is being a jerk. I still have triggering moments … but not having to see the PI that made my life hell on Earth has been quite fantastic. I haven’t had a relapse, and my meds are a bit lower than they were 6 months ago.
I’m able to be who I am, warts and all. People don’t think I’m crazy when I do a happy dance if an experiment works. I troubleshoot with more confidence, and learning doesn’t feel like a chore. It’s fun. I haven’t had this much fun since my 3rd year in grad school (the year I did most of my data collection and trained other labbies) or NYC.
But more than work-related stuff, I feel content with where I am in life. I’m honestly happy with who I am, with what I do, with where I live … I’m really liking this new lease on life. I’m on my way to conquer many small hills that will teach me valuable lessons and contribute to my overall well-being. I signed up for a conference, and I’m preparing a talk for a department (a sales pitch). I am genuinely enjoying life; something I didn’t think possible just 365 days ago.
Be well. It does get better.