27 and a PhD

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Daily Archives: May 28, 2013

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Sadness

As some of you know, yesterday my college BFF died of brain cancer. I don’t know the specifics, but apparently it got to the point where my friend refused treatment. The family is keeping things as private as possible and I have no way of communicating with them. It appears she will be buried  back home. I’m hoping that my new job will have some grief procedure or time allowance, because I owe her that much … to be present at her funeral. I’m very, very sad. But I’ve been reminiscing of the times we spent together … how we planned to yell at the top of our lungs ‘FUCK YEAH WE”RE GRADUATING’ (we never did, I was afraid I’d get expelled) from undergrad … or when I moved to the South, how excited she got when I told her I’d be visiting Graceland for the two of us. Every time I think of her, a smile comes to my face. She was awesome and hilarious. I in turn, became distant when she got ill the second time. I called her in December, hoping we’d see each other at home … but she had treatments to go through. She sounded hopeful, happy, but also tired. I never told her honey had proposed, or about our City Hall wedding in NYC. I feel horrible about this. I woke up yesterday thinking about giving her a call to tell her I wanted her to be at our wedding next year … and then I got the text from our third friend .. the three inseparable girls … telling me we’d lost her. I can’t believe I’ll never see her smile, hear her jokes, high five when we tell a dirty joke. I have wonderful memories of her. I hope to never forget her voice. It is difficult for me to cope with her death … mostly because it is so unexpected … to think that I won’t see her having kids, hear her laugh, have her tell my mom that she loved my dad more than my mom did (an internal joke) ….

I haven’t cried much. I only cried when I told my mom. I feel numb. I feel tired. I hate cancer. I always will.

But, blessings keep coming my way. My honey tried to make me smile yesterday, so many times. He took me to have my fave breakfast yesterday, we did a bit of shopping for the apartment. He took me to the movies. I was distracted, if only for a few hours. At night when I couldn’t sleep, he made me tea, comforted me, held my hands. Had those beautiful, loving eyes, showing his love, understanding and compassion in this moment of grief. I’m thankful for this wonderful man, that my friend got to meet him, that his parents met her and could tell how much we loved each others. She was a sister to me. And now she’s gone.

I may take a break from blogging or something. I’m sad, and tired. Thanks for your good wishes. Your support is great and much needed.

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