27 and a PhD

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Daily Archives: September 4, 2012

Kids

No, hon and I are not pregnant.

For a while I’ve been thinking about this post and what I want to say. This is by no means an absolute final decision, but it has been a process and I feel like writing it down and sharing it (and having it here, for the future).

I grew up in a very roman catholic household. My mom is a very devoted person, and I admire her for that. Her faith is deep and her commitment is sincere. She’s the best mom one could wish for, always sweet and cheery when we talk, especially cheery when we talk about my nephew, her first grandson.

Years ago, while I was still in grad school, my mom and I were having a conversation about kids, and I can’t remember what exactly brought up the discussion, but she ended up sharing how unhappy she’s been in her marriage to my dad and how, had she known how her life turned out to be, she would have worked all her life, retire early and travel all over the world. I asked her if she regretted having kids, to which she said she loved my sister and I more than her own life, yet, if she could do things differently, she would stay single and just travel.

I didn’t feel sad when my mom admitted this, instead, I took it as food for thought and started thinking about whether I wanted to have kids myself. I love to travel (even when I have to resort to using flying deathtraps to move from one place to the next), I love focusing on me and on my honey, spending time with my family, and taking off when I want, and not have a care in the world (except that I need to leave a clean litterbox and full food and water dispensers for kitty).

For a long time honey has been mentioning how much people in general annoy him … or really, interacting with them. He doesn’t like making calls (I always ordered take out for us and he was more than happy to pick food up, an arrangement I totally love), talking to strangers, people encroaching in his space (one time he had this woman in a bus touch his hair just ’cause … WTF?). I on the other hand like to interact with people, I’m very sociable, but sometimes I can be shy (yeah, I know, hard to believe, eh?) I prefer to be a hermit and stay indoors with him (when he’s visiting or when we lived together).

One thing where we’re both of the similar school of thought is that we find some kids annoying (him more than me, but yes, I do find some kids annoying, the boisterous ones, screaming children at stores, kids who are older yet refuse to cover when coughing or sneezing (adults too)). This from a person who liked to babysit 4 kids at once!

We’ve talked about kids, Mr. Honey and I, and we’re sort of leaning towards adopting, should we ever have some need for having offspring. It’s an idea we’re totally happy with. I’ve always been crazy scared of giving birth, both naturally and by c-section. I’m afraid of epidurals and the same with episiotomies. I’m scared of what a kid will to do my body and hormones (as it is they’re always in some crazy state). I have severe PMS, which makes me worry about not being able to take my medicine for a long time, and even more scared of PPD. I’m afraid of a kid encroaching in our space, and what genetic defects he/she may have because of my age. So many fears and worries.

I grew up with everyone and their cousin telling me that I should be a mom, that besides a decent job and a healthy marriage, I should have a kid, or better yet, two or three. But at the same time I saw their marriages crumbling, their lack of care for the kids, and in some cases, resentment. And early on I figured that just because someone was biologically equipped to be a parent, that didn’t necessarily translate into being a good parent. On one side my church was telling me that I should be like Mother Mary, on the other, I didn’t feel a nagging sensation to not be like her.

Though my mind is not completely made up, I’m leaning towards postponing motherhood/parenthood until later, especially given our interest in adopting and being on the same page. At the same time I struggle explaining and defending my position to (possibly) avoid biological children to family and friends (though hon’s mom seems to be on board, as long we we do it sooner rather than later so she gets to enjoy a granddaughter (we’re all on board with this) now and not 20 years from now.

What’s even weirder is that I’m totally on board with surrogacy. How weird is it that I’d be OK carrying someone else’s child and not my own?

So, for now, no kids for us, thank you. But if we do it, it will most likely involve adopting. After all, with so many children suffering abuse and neglect we feel like giving that child a happy home, on our own terms, and age. What are your thoughts?