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I moved

No, not web address. I moved. I left hell-hole city and lab and boss and I moved.

I was able to negotiate terms with my new institution back at the start of September and by mid-September I was closing shop. I got to say goodbye to my kids (students), fellow lab members, and some of the PIs I worked with. Even after the insane boss said I was a disgrace (I’m paraphrasing), I had students, postdocs, and PIs dropping by, saying goodbye and thanking me for the work I did for them. From preliminary results, to bits of kickass data to put into grants and incorporate in paper revisions. I trained my peeps to know as much as I did before I left and I have yet to receive an angry email or text from my former institution that says that I broke something or that people broke a machine.

How do I feel? I am relieved. I feel like a HUGE burden has lifted off my shoulders. I feel that I can be who I am at my new job and that people don’t judge me harshly. I’m starting to find a niche. I’ve met with my boss and the best thing is that I don’t have a PI on top of me. I do help a couple of PIs, but they have little to no input on what I do. This means that there’s one less layer of control over me when compared to my previous job.

I’ve gone hiking, checked out the food scene (pretty good), and have seen hubby on a regular basis. I’ve been told by my direct boss to not leave the lab too late (what the hell!!!??? When has this ever happened?), have been invited or introduced to fancy pants speakers, and have been consulted on presentations and data for one of the main labs I’ll be helping out. My position is *FINALLY* not tied to a PI, though it is government funded, thus if there’s an asshole shutdown, I’ll be without a salary for however long it takes to resolve it.

I moved. I found a place to live (not in the same city as my Mr, because his offer came WAY before mine and he made living arrangements when we thought I’d stay in the south until Kingdom come). But we’re planning to join forces ASAP and that’s awesome. I love my new kitchen and I don’t have people living above or below me, so I can stomp like a Minotaur and do it happily (I tried to find the link to the best of Craigslist, but no luck).

I still need to find a therapist, for maintenance.

I can’t quite believe I’m out.

I feel like I’ll wake up and still be trapped in my nightmare.

I am thankful for everything I learned, and everything I overcame to get to where I am now.

But I am fearful. I am worried I’ll get hurt.

Salaries and percentages

Hi all. I know, I know. I’ve gone MIA. It’s been a bit over a month since I last posted something and I’ve been pretty much off Twitter for a long time too. Ever since my Depression 2015 Tour, I’ve clammed up a bit. I feel bad sometimes, but having tons of little messages popping up and on and on and trying to play catch up was getting to me. I check Twitter once a day, usually, and sometimes I engage in convos. But I’m keeping things at a distance until things stabilize (see below).

Today I started thinking about how many salary bumps I’ve had since I was a grad student. When I started my PhD, my stipend was $20,500. Every year after that, we got a raise of a few hundred dollars. After passing the qual, I got a $400 bump (the way my department “rewarded” students that were on time and on track re: finishing the PhD) and by the end of grad school, I was making somewhere around $24,000.

My first “major” bump was going from the PhD and to the postdoc. My salary went up to almost $40,000, though it never went above that. The bump was in the 50-55% range, which seemed pretty good from a newly-minted PhD perspective. If you know a bit about my story, 20 months into my PD I decided to jump ship and accept an offer as a staff scientist in NYC. That took my salary abover the $50,000 range. This bump was somewhere around 52% from that of my PD and while it was great, living in NYC can be a bit expensive (rent-wise, because a lot of my costs were lower in NYC than they are in the south, if you can believe it). Once I moved to my position as a lab manager I got another bump, not quite as significant as the previous ones, actually 15%, but still, at my current salary I’m making 2.5x more than I did as a student! Not bad, I think.

Currently I’m in the negotiation process with a different lab, somewhere else in the nation. Yes, I *finally* got a flippin’ job offer that I hope will take me away from this place and my trigger person. I’m not sad about leaving the lab at all (though I will miss my students and other staff members), but I’m also not bouncing off the walls. Should my proposed salary go through with HR, I could get a bump of ~12%, which will definitely take me to $70k. Can you flippin’ believe that?

I once was talking to a female PI here at school and we got to the salary comparison part. She was surprised (and if I read her face correctly, almost pissed) that my salary was just a few thousand dollars below what she initially was offered as a new prof at school.

I’ve known (and have worked with) lab managers and other senior scientists that are easily in the $100,000 range. They’re not PIs, but they sure keep facilities open and working; they troubleshoot (reducing, and sometimes even eliminating the need for service contracts), train people, teach, write grants to purchase equipment or to soften the burden of expensive service contracts for fancy-pants equipment. They may not “own” a lab, but they’re not scratching their balls (or ovaries) either.

I don’t know what’s going to happen yet. Thus far the terms of the (possible) new job seem pretty interesting, and compared to my current place of employment, this university appears to have their shit together. The position is clearly defined, it’s not something that’s made as it goes (as my current one is). There are other people in similar positions as I could be and they seem down to earth, DIYers that sure keep their hands busy doing research, but mostly dealing with instrumentation, which is really where I want to go at this point in my life.

I don’t know what’s going to happen, but for now, whatever takes me away from hell-hole lab and into a more collaborative environment is something I’m willing to consider.

So, there you have it. Those are my bumps in salary throughout the years, starting with my stipend, all the way to lab manager. Have you every sat down to calculate how much your salary changed as you progressed up whatever ladder you went up in science? Did you ever stay in the same range during a lateral movement, or ever go down?

What are your thoughts? Do you have any questions?

Jobs, offers, salaries

I know, I know. I’ve neglected the blog quite a bit. And I’m still not my usual tweeting self. It’s been a few intense months. Lots of change (some of it good, some of it so-so). I decided to go on the job market after my depression episode earlier this year. I’m doing much better, and now I’m seeing a psychologist on a regular basis and trying to learn how to deal with everyday shit. But I’m still not my old self online.

But, the shit I’m dealing with now is of a different sort. Since March of this year I’ve been stalking the job boards in my discipline, looking for a different job. I warned my boss and my chair and they seem supportive. Luckily the difficult boss is busy writing grants and going to conferences and hasn’t had time to harass me. I’m in a much better place now.

So, yes, a job search. Yet again. It’s no secret that moving south was not all I expected. Things have been tough, my job, while rewarding, has been made quite difficult by supposed experts in my field. But I’ve kept on, keeping on.

Luckily, because of the experience and expertise I’ve acquired here, I’ve had quite a few phone interviews and received great feedback, even if that hasn’t lead to in person interviews, let alone offers. Only 2 places have called back for in person interviews. Overall it’s been a good boost for my self-esteem. As I type this I’m checking the schedule for an interview in industry come August. This is quite scary as I’d never had any luck applying to my industry, but what (appears on paper at least) I’ve seen in the job description makes this job my dream job (if there’s such a thing). Sadly it’s in a male-dominated place. And though I have no doubts that I could succeed, it is a bit scary that there’s no one like me, no one that looks, identifies and sees things like me. I’ll see if I get an offer, though I doubt it as it’s mostly a boys’ club.

I’m also in the process of reviewing an interesting offer from a place I interviewed at recently-ish. I liked everyone, and the science and equipment are very good. But I am rather concerned about a few things: the person who’d be my boss seems to be very concerned about keeping costs low, this scares me as I’m afraid that if I needed to buy a reagent or fix something, it’d take FOREVER to not only justify the cost, but get the material(s) on site. This person is very smart and seemed genuinely concerned about my fulfillment in the place, but I’m worried about costs and the attitude I’ve seen. Perhaps this is a personality thing. Or perhaps it’s more serious. At this moment I can’t tell which one is it.

I’ve been asked to name my price (salary). BUT, I’ve been reminded that when the position went up, it was for someone with less schooling (a bachelor’s with 10yrs of experience or a master’s with 5). This leads me to think that they’ll want to keep the salary on the low range. And while I am not expecting to make a 100K (until or unless I’m near retirement), I would appreciate a slight bump in my salary, considering that while it wouldn’t be in NYC or Boston, the cost of living IS higher than in the south.

There’s no relocation assistance no matter how you phrase it. And while I know I can deduct all that at tax time (and I’d be moving >600mi), it would make a super hole in my savings effective immediately. In fact, if I had to move this week, I’d have to decline the job as I have no funds (I thought of starting a Go-Fund-me, but who the hell do I think I am, and who the hell would contribute to this??). So, that’s another consideration.

The job would put me in a geographical area near my husband, but not super super close. It would be better that the “air commute” we will embark come September. The area is rather remote, rural and has no major highways … so I’m scared that I’ll be as bored as I am right now, and I supposedly live in a “city”!!!

The things that are consuming my energy are: a possible move, the issue about the boss being cheap, the remote location and how I feel about being disconnected from civilization, and of course, how I’d fare at the job. And hell, the question about name your salary, when your potential boss is cheap, isn’t making things easier.

What are your thought on this?

It’s still here. Alive and kicking

I didn’t know how long it would be since my last post admitting to myself and to the world that I have depression. I don’t know how far along I’ll get. I still get my bouts of not feeling, or sometimes feeling too overwhelmed by what I perceive as being too many stimuli. I guess the easiest way to compare it is to an insect that has been sprayed with bug killer. Constant signaling that eventually fries your brain. I feel a little fried. I’m not in the highest highs I was immediately after I came out of the intensive treatment, but I am not not feeling. So, in that sense I think I’m in a bit of a better place. But I sure can tell that I need to see a therapist soon (it is happening in the next few days).

I haven’t had anything major happen. I haven’t seen too much of my trigger (it’s a person, actually). And even when I’ve seen them, our interactions have been minimal and cordial.

I’ve been trying to keep busy at home. I’ve cooked a bit, and not just for me, but for the hubs too. I’ve managed to go outside and into the world and enjoy some things. But just like I mentioned above, sometimes the stimulus seems too much and I retreat. I remember seeing that in my husband, as he was getting better from his own battle with depression. And I’m hopeful I’ll get there.

I’m also getting support from another lab and its members. They’ve welcomed me and we’ve talked about the last few days and it’s been good.

But I can tell I’m not totally recovered and that this is a hell of a long trip to recovery. I’m a bit afraid of who I’ll become at the end of this (even though I’m well aware that depression is more of manageable thing, that it doesn’t completely go away) and of course, I am afraid of being in touch with my feelings. I can tell that today is a difficult day. There’s nothing in particular that I can think of that’s causing it to be difficult, but I recognize that I’m feeling a bit overwhelmed. Luckily I’ve talked to the hubs and I’m also reminding myself that I need to fight this battle little by little. I need to celebrate my accomplishments, because I’ve come a heck of a long way since a month ago. But it sure is a long road to recovery.

Apologies for the spottiness in appearances here and on Twitter. I’ll be OK, but I need a bit of time for me to regroup. Thanks.

That moment I couldn’t feel anymore

A neglected blog. A sort of inactive twitter account. General feeling of meh. I would smile, but it wouldn’t last for long. Little sleep. Overeating. Gaining more than 10lbs in 6 months or less. Showing up to work, but feeling demoralized. Not wanting to get out of bed. Oversleeping on weekends. Taking naps even after sleeping for half a day. Not feeling up to anything. Clamming up. Avoiding people.

The list could go on and on. But that’s just a sampler of what was going on (or not) in my head for the last year (maybe even more).

My husband noticed that I started 2015 in a really bad place. I was anxious all the time. I was silent (very uncharacteristic). Every time I had a staff meeting I felt this sense of dread. I wasn’t finding excitement and happiness in my job, something that even under other stressful circumstances was sort of a constant.

He uttered the words. You are depressed, go see a therapist. And I couldn’t. I didn’t want to admit it to myself. I wasn’t showing the same signs that he did. I thought I had to be on the verge of crying every second to be depressed. Lack of feelings? Lack of enjoying stuff that would normally bring me tears to joy to my eyes? Nah, that couldn’t be depression. Plus, I was taking an anti-depressant to keep at bay my harsh PMS. I was already medicated. It couldn’t be.

Then I read this and this. And things started to make sense. I wasn’t feeling content, joyful. And if I thought I did, it didn’t last. I was like a zombie. I was going through the motions, but didn’t feel a thing. Not a single damn thing. That’s partly how depression manifested in me. That and a whole lot of anxiety due to some harsh things happening at work.

I contacted my regular physician. Since hon had been directly admitted to the psych hospital, and his therapist was there, I asked them to send in a referral to see the same guy. But they said they couldn’t, unless I was suicidal. Was I suicidal? I didn’t feel like creating a plan. It felt like too much work. But I was depressed. I was somewhat sure of it. My physician asked me to contact a special office at work where they do give you referrals to doctors outside the psych hospital. They also do a something akin to an intake interview, to determine what risk you pose to yourself or others.

It happened so fast. Early one morning I walked into the special office. 30 minutes letter I got my diagnosis: depression and anxiety. Through the roof. It was miracle I was still standing and hadn’t resorted to anything drastic. Of course I hadn’t done anything. I didn’t feel like it. I didn’t feel. At all. The only thing I thought I felt was dread and emptiness. I was a hollow blob, just going about my business. Trying to not burden anyone.

Instead of re-routing me to a counselor, I was referred to the psych hospital. I was to be taken in as a patient. I needed urgent treatment or something would break. I guess things were caught at the right moment.

I had a series of emails, calls and authorizations to take care of. I called my husband. He was just as surprised as I was. He sure thought I was depressed. But to the point of requiring immediate attention? Admission to the psych ward?

Two days later I was in. I was assigned a social worker, a psychiatrist and would see a nurse and receive intense treatment. Kind of a jump start.

I was very skeptical of how talking to the three of them, and eventually joining a group of like-minded fellow patients would do me any good. Had modern science and medicine produce a way to re-wire my brain? To make forget my traumas? Was I ready to face all the BS the would sure want me to bring to the surface? How would talking solve anything? It sure wouldn’t. Talking about not feeling would solve shit. I was damn sure of it.

I can tell you that after a few weeks in treatment, I am feeling again. And that is amazing.

to be continued ….

PS. I created a hashtag about my depression. Feel free to check it out.


Almost 6 years ago I wrote this. I’d just gotten my first paycheck as a postdoc and ran down a list of where money was being spent. My then boyfriend, now husband, found the blog (I still don’t remember or know how), and confronted me. We talked about debt and how deep in it I was (still am) and about forms of payment, etc.

Two years after that, I got my shiny new job in NYC. NYC was expensive (rent-wise). But I moved from Canada. My province (Ontario) had a tax of like 14%, so I was used of paying more for everything. NYC wasn’t such a harsh surprise, cost-wise, except for rent. But I was very lucky in that sense too. And even though I truly never lived alone, I never paid more than $950 in rent for a room, and got to live in pretty convenient places with pretty nice people (I was very lucky and never got crazy roommates like Chandler).

At the end of my PhD, I was making ~23k. During my postdoc I made ~38k. In NYC I was making ~55k. And now I’m making ~60K. My salary has gone up slowly but steadily. And I hope that if I’m fortunate enough to leave my lab for something better, I’ll be in the 70k range.

You may also remember how, right after taking my shiny new job in NYC, I was surprised by the news that a family member had defaulted on his payments to a loan I’d co-signed. For $50k. Yeah, I almost threw up then and still feel queasy thinking about it.

Long story short, since late 2011 I’ve been dumping $ into these debts.

Today, I got my calculator and punched some numbers and concluded that, if I have a steady job for the next two years, right until December 2017, I should be debt-free. I’m also keeping my pen and ink pretty put and not signing on for new debt (or worse, signing any documents that make me liable for other people’s debt).

I’ve been very slow to erase debt. I could have been debt free much faster, like, this year I could have been debt free if I’d applied myself as far back as Canada. But I didn’t. And of course, I’m paying now in interest.

I hope this story shows some of the very real dangers of getting into debt, especially in academia. Take my advice, never sign up for anything that you sure don’t want to be help responsible for. Don’t let family or friends guilt-trip you. It’s not worth it.


Phew. Boy am I glad 2014 is gone, gone, gone. Last year was tough. First, hubby was recovering from his severe episode of depression. We were both walking on eggshells for a bit, waiting for the other shoe to drop, for his condition to worsen. For weeks he had no appetite, he was sad, had no inspiration. Luckily he got to be treated by a great psychiatrist and his therapy is going great. We both like him, and when his med med was changed and adjusted, hon started looking and feeling like himself. All in time for our second wedding ceremony, this time with family included. We’d gotten married in NYC (essentially eloped) but we wanted our families to celebrate with us, so we planned and planned and had our second wedding ceremony. It was awesome. We laughed a lot, ate, danced and even got to go on a very short honeymoon. It was a much needed break.

Then in the summer, particularly at the end of July, I became aware of just how much of an asshole a boss can be. That was the final straw that made me realize what a horrible decision I made when I left my previous job and took this one. While I am thankful for the experience to help run a lab and train students, it’s clear I’m not made for this, long term. Or at least with the current power structure I’m in. I applied for jobs, got a couple of calls, but nothing materialized. I became despondent, even a bit depressed. I talked to one of my previous bosses and with his guidance decided to try to isolate myself as much as possible from the asshole boss and concentrate on training his students while looking for a job. Nothing has panned out. With my current experience I’m trying to be very, VERY selective in terms of where to apply and for what. I don’t want to be in a staff position in academia, and sadly, those are where most of the openings I’m seeing. Ugh. But I’m trying.

Towards the end of the year, honey got word that he’s going to start working as an adjunct soon. It’s a bit of a commute, but it’s a couple of times a week, broadly speaking in the same discipline he studied and it pays. Not a crazy amount, but enough to cover food and some utilities. I’m so excited for him. He’s also applying for FT jobs, but they are even more scarce than mine, so we’ll see.

Finally, we have to move. Our lease at the current place is up and rent went up by a fucktillion, so we have to pack our bags and move. But this is proving to be a bitch. Rent has gone up in our neighbourhood. By a LOT. And for now, I’m covering most of the costs of living. Even while earning a bit over 60K, with my debt (I’m slooowly climbing out of that hole but still have until 2017 to pay it all off), and honey’s lack of FT employment, it’s difficult to fork over 1K for a 2BR apartment. Yes, I know, that’s cheap compared to lots of places. But it’s not for us, in our current situation. We’ll see, I’m making calls to a couple of places that appear to be affordable, but apartment complexes in this city suck immensely.

My hopes for 2015 are to: blog more, apply to a couple more jobs and perhaps land a different gig, appear in a couple of publications (last year was very dry, except for a decent profile paper that was published from my previous job), and have honey land something more permanent. We’ll see how it all pans out.

Hope 2015 is kind to you!