27 and a PhD

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Defining success

This weekend I had a powerful realization. I suspect it came to me because I’ve been following The Minimalists for a while now and they posted a link that, while a bit … esoteric for my taste, had a very interesting point.

It’s no secret that many of us, especially in the academic or academic-adjacent disciplines are in debt. Hell, there are lots of people from all other backgrounds in debt too. If you’ve been reading here for sometime now, you’ll know that I have talked about money issues, stupid decisions I made, and how very, very slowly I’ve been climbing out of debt. I feel as if sometimes my blog has migrated from disgruntled-doc-dom to a personal finance one. Maybe it will. Who knows. But the only advice I’d impart would be how to NOT go into debt and how I’ve been slowly climbing out of it the old-fashioned way (ie, I didn’t marry a trust-fund guy/man, and I didn’t take too many side jobs, it’s been all my tightening a bit my spending and sheer patience and consistence).

But anyway, 8 years ago when I finally admitted that I had a problem, I started paying close attention to my spending. Propelled by that, and by my lack of excitement about my postdoc, I jumped ship, became a staff scientist and haven’t looked back since. Now that I see it written there, 8 years since I first started plotting my exit from the tenure-track (hot damn!), it seems almost incredible. I’ve been at this debt-repayment business for nearly a decade. Part of it has been because just as I was ready to tackle my mountain of debt, I found out a loan I’d co-signed for a family member, wasn’t being pair, despite promises made, so I had to come to the rescue and pay that debt or face bankruptcy. I remember going to a financial planner’s office in NYC with my now husband and just seeing all the numbers laid in front of me. I was in a disaster zone.

Now, 6 years after, I look back and I still can’t believe it. I’m not close to being done, but I am closer that I’ve ever been. And I’m trying to make smart decisions and work hard to bring my credit up (back in 2011 I got a letter from my back saying the were worried that my credit score was like 572 or something). These days it’s near the 700s, but my goal is to bring it higher. Of course that takes time. Oh well.

Aaaanyway. So back to success. Upon reading the link from TM, something really clicked in my head. I’ve been paying off my debt, been changing (some, but not all) of my consuming habits, especially surrounding money and gifts. And reading those sentences about how we should examine what we call success, it tied all of my efforts and experiences together.

I realized that for a while now, I’ve been asking my husband to give me the gift of time spent together trying something new. He gave me a snorkeling kit and I can’t wait to use it. I’ve been trying to invest my time and effort into giving him experiences, from visiting sports halls of fame, to driving to new places, to trying new foods.

My mind went back to how I saw my parents and family define success. To how people around me viewed and evaluated and assigned success. I’m probably not the only person who’s family/friends/acquaintances have defined success to: owning a house, belonging and staying in a certain tax bracket, purchasing a new doohickey or doodad, traveling first class around the world, or staying at 4 and 5 star hotels, fine dining, fashion, etc.

There is nothing inherently wrong with any of those beliefs. It is fantastic to move into a new tax bracket and be able to afford traveling, or high fashion, or a new car every X amount of years, or the new iPhone. The issue becomes when those items become the sole source of our happiness. I think we all have a bit of materialism in us, and in a way it’s sorta healthy. A picture frame, an heirloom, jewelry, a set of postcards written by our grandparents … they all provide a connection with someone/something we cherish. But over-consumption seems to have taken over our lives. I know in my case it is still a struggle.

So, upon reading this list of items that help define, or redefine our happiness, I see this section that talks about how it’s a good idea to redefine what success means to us. It can certainly be something material, but I believe the true measure of success is when we can look around us and feel content. Not admiring a piece of jewelry, a fancy gadget, but instead our accomplishments, whether from academy or a hobby, or a side job. Happiness measured in the times we see and share special moments with our loved ones, be they’re related by blood or choice.

That helped me look around and take inventory of my current situation: I may not live in the most glamorous place in the world, but I have a roof over my head, two cats whom I adore, my car is paid off (even though it’s 14 years old and still has a tape reader). I’m in love with my partner and we travel and stay at modest places. Our tastes are similar. I wouldn’t call our taste fancy, elegant, or high society, but it suits our needs and makes us happy. Together, we make a decent living. We don’t have to go into debt to finance our lifestyle. If we can take a break, we do. If we can’t, we hope (and sometimes know) that our time will come.

I don’t own fancy sunglasses, or have a collection of elegant silverware. My husband doesn’t own a sportscar, thankfully he doesn’t have any vices except follow a couple of sports and engage in conversation with other fans.

Success to me, today, after experiencing need and crushing debt, means seeing and helping my family. It means spending time with them, even if it’s just watching a telenovela and commenting on how old this guy or that actress looks. I don’t publish much these days, but I live science through my trainees and their discoveries. I feel content in assisting them with either my hands or my brain, so they can become even more amazing than they already are. I don’t wear too many flashy brands and don’t care about mani/pedis every week (I do have 1 or 2/year), or the latest music.

I’m still a consumer. I’ll always be. But in making more intentional, and deliberate choices, I try to think about the bigger picture: do I need X or Y gadget for real? Or is it just for show? In trying to define a new normal for me, I’m finding success and fulfillment in who I am. I’m making peace with my errors and looking forward to a life better lived.

How do you define success?

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Resolutions 2017 – an update

Come to think of it, I’m pretty sure I didn’t make any resolutions for 2017. I did post the following back in 2016, so let’s see how I’ve done:

For 2017, I hope to achieve/do:

  1. Pay off cc #2 and pay off a good chunk of cc #3. Maybe get rid of my not-in-my-name-debt-but-still-paying-anyway. – Not totally done with #2, but slowly chipping away at it. Had a couple of unexpected expenses that set me back a bit. But overall, definitely better than last year and closer to my goal. 
  2. Go on and spend some time with my students and pick up some of the cool stuff they do with their samples. Be better at troubleshooting stuff I’m currently not so well versed. Been doing LOTS of this.
  3. Get another good review. A raise too, maybe? YES and more YES!!! I’m definitely where I should be.
  4. Go to a workshop or conference … hopefully a high profile one. Did go to a couple of symposiums but nothing super high profile.
  5. Complete my emergency fund and finalize the rollover of my old retirement account into a new one. Gave up on this.
  6. Do our taxes before mid-February, and if possible, apply whatever refund I get to cc #2, or maybe #3 if I stick to my guns and pay off what I can but I’m scared of (my mind is really a work of … who knows, I’m a little kooky). The Mr and I got the surprise of our lives when we had to pay nearly $2000! That was a bummer. Thankfully hon’s savings came to the rescue. I was able to pay honey off a few months ago! Right after this unpleasant surprise I adjusted deductions and hopefully we won’t get a horrible surprise come tax season 2018.
  7. Go home for Christmas. And save money and not go through all my vacation time. Going home in about 4 weeks! And I definitely go through all my time.
  8. Definitely appear as a co-author, or at least in the acknowledgements. I simply can’t give this one up. Boo, I still don’t but I have been thanked by a couple of students during their defense. That’s a yay in my book!
  9. Go to the dentist and get a nice check up (after all, I do have dental coverage). I did and it went really well. Unfortunately my crown came off and had to do a complete tooth extraction. Boo! I got a bone graft and I’m currently hoping it did take and I’ll have an implant done early next year.
  10. Perhaps lose a few pounds. Gave up on this.
  11. Put some of the money that (hopefully) will become available once I’m closer to being debt free into either my retirement account or a high yield savings account. Didn’t want to be debt free.
  12. Develop better organizing and scheduling habits so I can try to be available (and efficient) on as many instruments as possible (I do have a lot of instruments under my belt … kinda scary). Still a work in progress.
  13. Cook at home more often and bring leftovers for lunch. Still trying to plan this out.
  14. Get to work earlier/leave earlier. Mixed success.
  15. Open a separate savings account, perhaps with a local credit union/bank and deposit some $$ I have that’s been sitting in my drawer for way too long. I did!!! And it feels awesome.

 

Starting to see the light

at the end of the tunnel.

That’s how it feels like. Last month I was able to completely erase the second debt my dad had piled onto my shoulders 6 years ago. Six years ago seems like an entire lifetime away. I was a completely different person. I was starting on my path out of the straight academic way and into staff-dom. I was ecstatic to be moving to NYC. Then the news that my dad had stop paying a loan I’d cosigned, lost his job, and couldn’t afford to pay it any longer … and that my credit score was taking a nosedive hit me. I felt like crap. I put so much guilt on my shoulders. I’d co-signed those loans when my credit score was in the 780s way back in grad school. I’d made some stupid money decisions and was up to my neck in debt of my own doing. The country was starting to get out of the recession and what should’ve been a moment of celebration became a prison sentence. It felt like that. I was carrying this massive ball and chain and I saw no way out.

I was able to work on a repayment plan that wouldn’t sink my credit score further down, but it would take forever. Back then I was trying to manage 6 debts on a $50k salary in NYC. I moved with roommates for the first time in my life. I didn’t take a vacation, didn’t … couldn’t visit my family. But somehow I made it through.

Then I switched jobs and with a bit more $ in my pocket and some mental clarity, I was able to start the debt snowball and begin to tackle my mountain of debt. I repaid and closed a overdraft protection account I had. That was my first debt paid in full. I started paying the regular minimum on those loans I’d cosigned for my dad … even though I should’ve insisted he pay for them. In the meantime my parent’s house, the house I grew up in, was almost foreclosed. I then buckled up and really went snowball crazy on my first credit card debt, an account I opened to get a discount on a dress for a friend’s wedding!!!!! (WTF was I thinking??). Instead of just having the store card alone, it came up with a major credit card company logo, which I treated as “free money” for a long, long time. I was $4k deep into that one. I finished paying it off last year.

In June of 2016 I paid the smallest of the two loans I’d cosigned. I rolled over that amount, plus the $ I was putting into cc #3 and applied it to the largest loan. That loan was just paid. It was cancelled. 0 debt. No more extra money going that way. I still can’t believe it. I’m still pinching myself.

I was well on my way to pay cc #2, which all that time I was contributing about 40% more than the minimum payment. At its worst I had it near the $4K mark. Right now it’s seating slightly below $3k. The closest I was to finishing that one up was some time last year, but then I had some car repairs due to a minor accident and some other things. I try to contribute to this card a few times a month. My hope is to lower the debt amount to somewhere around $500 so that my minimum payment will be super low, and I can get gazelle-intense into knocking down cc #1. To some people it may sound silly to do this, but I really like cc #2 (I know, it’s stupid, but it does have some cool benefits), and as I chip away (more like try to bulldoze the mountain of debt that is cc #1), I should slowly be able to pay off cc #2. Plus, I really want to insult Bank of America when I call to cancel it. I can’t wait (yeah, I know it’s silly, but I do have some choice words for predatory companies that go into schools to essentially sell debt to naive undergrads). Honey and I have no credit cards together … hell, not even a single account bearing both of our names (when we got married there was the slight possibility that I’d declare bankruptcy, so we didn’t merge our finances and created instead a legal provision so he wouldn’t carry those debts in case I became unemployed). So we may consider opening an account in both our names, with some cool benefits (we travel some for work and pleasure, so maybe a mile-earning one, or one from a place/company we use a lot, like certain airlines). But my main focus is to apply what was being diverted to not-my-debt #2 into cc #1, and erase that one. I thought I’d be done with it by March of next year. But it looks more like this time next year instead.

And that my friends, is why I feel like I’m finally able to see a teeny-tiny light at the end of the tunnel full of debt. Back when I was in my late 20s, and it dawned on me that if I didn’t do something to stop accumulating debt I’d spend my 30s paying back my debts, it finally sunk in that all those stupid money decisions I’d made in my early 20s would come to bite me hard. I remember, 10 years ago, thinking “ugh, I’ll be 36 or 37 when I’m finally debt free.” And it seemed so far away. Now 10yrs later it does feel like a lifetime ago. I could’ve done better. I can do better. I’m still buying clothes … mostly tops that I say I’ll use for work and eventually just use them once or twice to go to dinner or something and then start feeling guilty about that and donate them. So I have long ways to go still. But I’ve tried really hard to rein in my spending. I now finish in the black 98% of the time (the rest of the times it’s because I got careless and spent too much on eating out … my other weakness). I’m about to finish paying the very first laptop I’ve bought since 2002! I have food, shelter and decent health. My husband is paying for a car we got, and eventually I should take over the payments, as that was our agreement. And I’m very OK with that as even now I could take over the monthly payment (I am paying for insurance for the new one and my old beater). I’ve been extremely lucky with my old beater. It’s been paid off since 2008 and has only left me stranded once due to a dead battery.

Sometimes I dream of the things I could buy now that I have more money. I compare myself to former schoolmates and workmates and I think, gosh, I could be living better (which is totes stupid because I don’t have a horrible life … in fact, it is very kick ass thank-you-very-much). I’ve been exploring minimalism too, which has helped in controlling my spending some, and making better decisions when it comes to what I’m getting into my apartment. I was supposed to move this summer, but due to some unforeseen circumstances I had to stay put. I’m not a huge fan of the place I live in, but at least it’s clean and safe. To compensate for the having to stay put, I decided to reorganize my two BR apt. I’m still in the early stages, but the main bedroom is decorated in two tones and it’s simple but feels clean and quiet.

I want for nothing … in fact, my husband and I have started giving each other the gift of experiences. Now that we’re both employed, have some savings and decent health and no major money commitments, we really don’t have a need for more gadgets. We’ve decided to do cool things like go to places we’ve wanted to visit but never had enough time (or money, really) and done that. I like antiquing so hon has gotten me a cute thing here and there, but nothing worth more than $20. That or llama shirts which are my new favourite thing (seriously, llamas). For christmas I told him to find a cool place back home where I can snorkel. He’s still thinking about what to ask for the holidays, but thus far he’s coming empty. We’ve started to realize, very slowly, that because we feel like we are where we should be, at this moment in life, earning a living, we can focus on going places, exploring, enjoying local food and arts and culture. It feels so strange, but so gratifying. Like, we don’t have to spend a ton of money to have fun, we live in a place full of different (and sometimes quirky) festivals, our state has some amazing places to explore and we’re just beginning. I hope to write some more about our experiences with minimalism … or really, of being less into mindless consumerism.

One more down, two more to go

Just a quick update. That loan from hell I was saddled with after my father lost his job? Yeah, got *finally* paid off last week. Do you know how that makes me feel? I feel like I’m on top of the world. I’ve been a bit passive about it, I’m still waiting for the debt cancellation letter to be mailed. I won’t really believe it until it is all signed and done. But for now, you better believe me when I tell you that a HUGE boulder has been lifted off  my shoulders. I should finish paying off credit card #2 in NOVEMBER!!!!! Then it’s onto the Godzilla of all my cards. The original one I got when I was in college WITHOUT needing my parent’s signature, or having a g-d job. That’s right, fucking recruiters form Bank of America were at my undergrad institution offering credit cards to every single kid. Kids!!! I was 21 years old at the time!!! WTF??? Seriously, I wish these leeches would be kicked out of every single higher ed institution. Sure, it help “build my credit.” But at what cost? My sanity, my mental well-being, a job I loved and was good at for a job that nearly killed me and which I haven’t stopped cursing at for the 2 years I’ve been out of (yeah, I’m still angry at my previous job).

I also have a tiny amount of money on my savings account (very tiny, just a couple of hundred bucks). I’ve been wondering whether to celebrate being rid of that g-d loan by throwing it into the pit that is cc #2. I recently used it to pay for a work trip, and when I get reimbursed (probably October at the earliest), that should take me even closer to having a 0 balance. I’m thinking of closing it (even though it’s been with me for 12yrs) and opening one with true, good rewards. But I know that as a recovering debt-addict, I need to keep my hands away from it. Freeze it. Burn it. Cut it … something so that I don’t rack it all up again and end up feeling like a failure.

Kids, if you’re reading this: read the fine print on everything you’re planning to sign for. Don’t give your signature to ANYONE. Not your mother, your sister, your grams or your BFF. If someone needs a signature for a loan? Yeah, chances are it’s too big for them to take it on their own to begin with, and you should be aware that your signature is as good as you taking the loan on your own, and even if someone’s credit is >800 today, it means nothing if they get fired, or go for disability and can’t keep current on their payments. I could’ve been debt free ages ago if I hadn’t co-signed that near death sentence when I was 25. I am 36 right now. I’ll be 37 by the time I’m done with this (universe willing!). I’ve been in debt since I was 21. It will take me more than 1/3rd of my life to become absolutely debt free. Be smart with your credit. Your signature is your most precious possession. Don’t give it out just ’cause.

And now, time to get ready for a lecture I have to do in not too long.

Cheers!

 

 

Remembering my staff-versary

6 years ago today I made the move from Canada back to the US. I landed in NYC, the greatest, most amazing city I’ve ever lived. It just dawned on me that today was my staff-versary.

A bit of the backstory: I finished my PhD in the US in 2009, moved to another country (Canada), started a postdoc, became severely depressed, figured out that my depression was tied to my identity as a scientist in a particular field which wasn’t the one I’d been trained in, and decided to leave the “traditional” tenure-track way and go into staff-dom. I didn’t know if I’d like it, if I’d even survive it, but I had to try. I was lucky enough that a group of brave women, included (but not limited to): Jeanne Garbarino, Geeka, and Biochem Belle. And made the jump I did. It’s been 6 years since all that and I’ve got a lot of things to be thankful.

  • I got a super great first review back in 2012 for my work in 2011. I made lots of progress, and even though my boss drove me bonkers sometimes, he was smart and engaged. I got to meet tons of new people, make great friends, go to local get togethers in the city and do awesome science.
  • Mr 27 and a PhD became Dr 27 and a PhD and we got married.
  • I read tons of books, like a maniac, given my long commute, but even though it was a chore at time, I looked forward to the quiet time on the subway and/or bus.
  • I met some of the most amazing minds in my field of training and got to help their labs.
  • Learned some new techniques and approaches which made life in the lab way more comfortable.

Eventually I:

  • Was approached by my old (PhD) school to help run what had been my PhD lab, operating now as a core facility.
  • Because of some serious debt I was saddle with thanks to lending my signature on a $50K loan, I had to leave NYC.
  • My husband was diagnosed and treated for a serious heath issue by a world expert at my PhD uni.
  • I created protocols and SOPs to run the lab, organized stuff, trained students.
  • But I also struggled with a couple of supervisors who were of the idea that if you weren’t in the lab 7 days a week for at least 10hrs, you really weren’t committed to science.
  • One of the bosses in particular appeared to have a PhD in gaslighting. This wore me down, to the point that I thought I was losing my sanity.
  • I went into an outpatient program for a couple of weeks and got the jump start I needed. My meds were adjusted, I did a lot of talk therapy and it actually helped! Just because I have a PhD doesn’t mean I’m smart at everything and I honestly thought that talk therapy was just BS.
  • Being in a setting where there were others who had gone through severe losses and trauma, people with bipolar disorder, severe depression, OCD, etc, helped me gain some empathy, especially towards those in our society who suffer because they don’t have the resources to get the help and support to treat and thrive even when mentally ill.
  • Once I returned from my stay at the psych hospital I decided on concrete changes: I talked to my boss and asked to have the gaslighting person removed from his supervisory roles, I changed bosses and things became better, I actually enjoyed my job. I finished training some of the grad students I’d started training earlier and they were masters at troubleshooting the equipment I ran.
  • I went on the job hunt, even though I was seriously discouraged.
  • I got a few phone interviews, and eventually was flown to a fancy pants place (not NYC) and got to meet even more amazing people in my field. That job didn’t pan out, but it was a fantastic opportunity.
  • I interviewed at a fancy pants university close to where my husband got his first full-time faculty position, but I was still recovering from my depression, so I wasn’t sure whether I was making the right decision.
  • I got an offer and asked about terms of the position, support, culture, I got all questions answered in a manner that gave me the strength to take a leap of faith and jump into the unknown.
  • I suffered a miscarriage, lost my BFF to cancer, lost other dear friends and coworkers to illnesses.

… and just last week I got my performance review for the past year and it went very well. It wasn’t perfect, but the goals set for next year are within reach, and that experience has helped me fuel my system and get really pumped about doing science.

I don’t know what awaits me in the future, but I seriously hope that I get to work at this place for a long time. It has provided hope and stability that both my husband and I needed. It has taught me that I have more to offer, and that negative people can be cut off for good, one can move on and thrive.

20 months in

I had my performance review recently. My second one since I started this job. I look at these things in terms of pass/fail. Looks like I passed, but I do have a lot more to learn and improve. THAT is a huge difference, compared to jobs I’ve had in the past. In the nearly 3 years I was at my previous job, I only got evaluated once, and it was a disaster. I fell into a deep depression. There were other factors that, when combined with the evaluation, made a perfect storm which lead to my eventual diagnosis of depression and anxiety. I look back and it feel as if this was in a different life, even a different person.

I got two thumbs up for doing an honest self-evaluation (I understand why stuff like this is done, but seriously, you don’t want to come off as a total braggart, but you don’t want to do a slob job and fail to recognize the good you did in the past year). The boss said so more than once. And that served to start the conversation (as they call it here).

I have to say that my first year was full of learning, of getting into a whole new mindset. I was walking around very cautiously … it took me nearly two months to let loose and start to believe that I hadn’t messed up by switching places. I wasn’t being treated poorly, I was, however very afraid that anything I did would cause me to lose the job. I was so scarred by the job I was leaving, and the imposter syndrome in me was at an all time high. Once the first year review happened, and I got so much great/constructive feedback I felt pumped to do more. But I fell into a rut … nah, I fell into a comfort zone and took it easy. Even with that, I managed to get some really good things done, and people noticed. I got lots of +++ for my way of treating and interacting with people, they like and appreciate my energy and drive. But, equipment-wise, I let some things slide. At times it felt like I didn’t have the energy to do all that was required of me, and instead of propelling me to do more, I just got so overwhelmed and got stuck in self-doubt.

The boss noticed that and offered some (actually) good feedback and shared some strategies, since he’s been where I’ve been. That is one key difference between my old job and my current one. I’m not being evaluated by someone completely removed from equipment and users. My boss was a lab manager before and though a lot less now, he’s run equipment and fixed stuff like me, so he knows (and remembers!) some of the constraints and pitfalls. Phew.

I was able to lean onto some of my co-workers, who rallied around me when I was sick … when I had the miscarriage in the spring, when I needed extra hands, or to be taught how to fix X or Y machine.

I’m still amazed that I have the job that I have, that I’m surrounded by genuinely smart, capable and HELPFUL people. I don’t know how I fell into all this, but 20 months in, even after some heartbreaks, and headaches, and lots of challenges, I feel like I am where I should be, where I belong. And I still find it surprising because I look around me, and see world-class researchers and ideas, and I have to pinch myself and remember that I’m up, alive and functioning, and that I get to bounce off ideas with these people, that I get to teach their students and trainees, that we have a close relationship with some industry leaders and that this translates into having unparalleled access to world-class equipment, and minds, and resources.

And I’m humbled, because even as small as a cog that I am in this enterprise, I finally feel valued and cherished. I don’t have to raise my voice above the noise to get heard, I don’t have to pound my fists against my desk and get sad and frustrated and feel miserable because I sold myself short and ended up in a place I hate. I don’t. I thought I felt lucky when I went back to my “old” scientific family at my previous job (minus some key players, especially in the administration), but I wasn’t. I did have a job, it kept me clothed and fed, and helped me gain my mental strength back (eventually) … but I am now where I was meant to be, when I am meant to be. And that is incredible, and humbling, and it makes me really, really want to fight for my future and the future of my center. It drives me to continue to dispense advice and tips to each and every one of my trainees. They see how hard I want to fight for their science, for their resources, for their eventual presentations and papers, and that in turn fuels me to do more.

Even though I let some things slide this past year, and I fell into this comfort zone, since the evaluation I have this insane drive, to do, to achieve, to complete. My husband has noticed this and he praises my efforts. He sees when unfair things happen (because they do happen; my job isn’t a fairy tale, it has its challenges and frustrations), and calmly offers perspective and/or cheering when needed. But just the caliber of people I’m around, how their whole attitude is so very different from anything I’ve seen in the past (except in NYC because OMG there were some nice faculty members full of ideas, and money and energy to fuel my drive). And that gives me the strength to move my lab forward, to purchase equipment and fix what’s broken, to make my users happy and always ask for feedback. My students have gotten used to hearing me say: what can I do to make your life and your science more comfortable? It can be something as simple as more padding on a chair they spend the whole night on while collecting or visualizing data. Or it could be a machine, a new centrifuge, a different set of tubes or a faster way to move data. Making THEM happy makes ME happy. And that is my reward (besides any extra $$ that comes around after I get a small recognition for getting things done).

These have been some of the most intense and exciting 20 months of my life. And I hope I get to continue to do this for a very long time.

Pregnancy loss

As some of you know, I lost a pregnancy last week. I was looking forward to being a mom. I’d even started wearing maternity pants because all of the jeans that sat slightly below the waist weren’t cutting it. This pregnancy had been planned, wanted, loved.

I’ve had some great support at home and at work. My husband was able to join me during some of the most difficult times, and all of my trainees sent messages of love, hope and encouragement.

I’m very lucky. I can’t imagine having my miscarriage in the midst of my job from hell two years ago. Coincidentally, the miscarriage occurred on the 2nd anniversary of my “graduating” from my depression and anxiety hospital stay. I looked back, since dates and times are very important to me, and was amazed at both how sad I felt, but also how different I felt. I now have the tools to not obsess over the loss, to understand that nature happens, and no matter how much folic acid and good fats I eat, miscarriages do happen, especially to women my age.

I’ve had a very decent (and fast, IMHO) recovery. I stopped bleeding 5 days after, most of my symptoms were gone in a few days too, my jeans fit once again. My mood comes and goes. I think that because of the hospital stay 2 years ago, along with great meds, I’ve maintained a decent outlook.

Will we try again? Will my fertility remain as it was this last time? Will I be able to be and stay pregnant and deliver a healthy tiny human? Those are the questions I have right now. My ob has been checking hormone levels and mood to ensure that all products of conception are expelled and that my body recovers.

I’m scared of trying … and failing again. The hubs doesn’t blame me, and I feel that this event has brought us closer. It was scary, and very lonely … but fortunately short and nearly painless (that freaked me out a bit because I was expecting to have all the pain and discomfort in the world).

Last week was holy week, and for the first time in my life I spent it as an atheist. It was weird that the miscarriage happened last week, on a week that’s so important to so many people, especially my family. I compare this to how I was 10-15 years ago, and can definitely tell there are big differences: I kept going back to the science of pregnancy and miscarriage, and though I would have done the same when I was a believer, the super conservative part of my psyche would’ve been obsessed with finding out what “sin” or fault caused me to lose my pregnancy. I googled symptoms, read patiently in the waiting room, even with tears streaming down my face. I kept going back to what the science said, what I should expect. Instead of praying to a being, I kept going back to my experience, my body, my feelings, and tuned in with it all. I didn’t want to lose a second, to forget what was happening. I wanted the sounds, sights and feelings to be with me, a part of me. I told my MIL that I felt this peace, and that I knew that if this had happened when I was a Christian, I would’ve been obsessed, angry, sad, but mostly, I would’ve concentrated on trying to find a way to understand why a god would allow me to suffer, since I was a card carrying good Catholic girl and suffering and martyrdom are still signs of being a “good” Catholic. I would’ve questioned that very god probably until the end of my days, trying to understand where I failed as a believer. Instead, I’ve been thinking of just how wonderful and capable women’s bodies are. How we can grow and nurture, and sustain a tiny life and most of the time, bring it into this world. I realize thinking that and being a christian are not mutually exclusive, however, as a non-believer, I’ve chosen to focus on the wonders of the human body. You could say I’m not an atheist but a secular humanist. My loss, even though I called it my baby, our baby, doesn’t negate the fact that I’m still a staunch supporter of choice. What’s good for me isn’t necessarily good for the woman sitting next to me. So many thoughts … such little ability to put in words all the things going through my head.

We’ll see where life takes me next. For now, I’m letting my body rest. I’m trying to sleep well, eat decent (well, better than before I got pregnant, but certainly allowing more doughnuts and chocolate in), let thoughts go in and out and celebrate that I have a working body, a body that sustained life for a bit, a body that understands that sometimes defects happen, and it is programmed to protect me and my organs, and unfortunately get rid of a pregnancy if it detects something’s wrong. I’m thankful too all scientists and researchers working in reproductive medicine, for the ability to see, hear and feel, and for having access to modern medicine and care that allowed me to safely monitor my pregnancy and my miscarriage. I’m thankful I took so many physiology and genetics classes that I’m familiar with checkpoints, pathways, genes and molecular biology. And that all this helped me be at peace during one of the toughest times of my life.