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Boundaries and priorities

April 8, 2013 9:30 AM / 4 Comments

I’m feeling much better, compared to when I posted this. I went to my initial visit with a new PCP in new job city and it went well. In fact, I didn’t want the visit to end. The doctor is about my age, female and explained everything in detail and in a reassuring manner and tone which was super helpful. She asked about all meds I’ve taken and what I needed refills for and I’m happy to report that I’m back on my PMS med and, while still adjusting, I feel like it’s making a change. I know, it’s a bit too soon to celebrate and it could all be related to having my period (which usually sours my mood even more a few days before and once I get over the initial cramping, it’s all smooth riding). But I am glad I’m back on my med. I’m also seeing her in about a month to get my annual pap-smear and I just learned that school offers free mammograms to staff, so maybe I should take advantage of that … even though it’s not necessary at my age, I would still like to have some sort of baseline and just check that everything is normal.

Thinking back to how I felt on Thursday and Friday night, I felt so defeated. I’d spent Monday, Thursday and Friday working non stop trying to get some preliminary data for a project. One of my many supervisors (I have more than one, all with similar opinions on some things but most definitely different priorities) needed some data and I agreed to give it a shot. What I should have said and remembered based on my experience from NYC, was that this would really be very tough to work on, especially with only a month to really evaluate things. Little by little I became more aware of the mounting difficulties and finally on Friday, something broke in the lab, and that was definitely the end of trying to collect the data for said grant. My next supervisor in line is somewhat of a nazi. In the month or so I’ve been at work he’s already caused problems that have found their way into my ears and I’ve really come to know that this will be a very difficult person to work with (I already told hon I regretted coming back based on the bit of drama this person initiated). My other PI is very chill, though can be demanding. This person is also very hands off and seems to have respect and trust in my abilities. As long as they intervene I can keep doing my job just fine … but who knows how much this person can protect me and how long they can be that way without getting their asses in trouble.

Here’s the thing … in NYC my immediate supervisor absorbed a lot of the heat if my coworker or I got in trouble. But here I am all alone and I am in the same position as my supervisor, and the lab I’m working in is in worse shape than I thought. And there are things I don’t know how to do and I’m learning … but nazi PI wants them done yesterday. And that has caused a lot of trouble and stress I wasn’t ready for.

Now, my husband is kind of a genius, but sometimes can say things too bluntly and in his interest to preserve my sanity and well-being, he can get riled up. So he’s trying a new strategy of communicating his concern for me, and it’s sort of working. On Friday night we were talking about how much of a frustrating day I’d had. Not only did I have to see my PCP and try to work on the prelim data, but I also had to work with nazi PI and make sure that some plant services people fixed something in the lab. In other words, I was being stretched to my limit .. and I was running low on patience, plus I was feeling a little (or a lot) out of it … I was out of my mood med and I didn’t know it, but my period was rearing its ugly head. It was the perfect storm. I spent exactly 12 hours at work trying to fix problems, either on the phone, in person … hell, I even emailed a coworker to place an order while my doctor was getting some paperwork done outside of the exam room!! In what world is that acceptable? Couple that to the fact that I’m supposed to have a 40-45 min break during the day (by law, if the uni found out I didn’t take it I could get in trouble) … all while trying to remain sweet and competent.

By the end of the night I was shot. I was looking at my blog stats and saw that more people kept coming, that more people were following on Twitter … and that while both the blog and Twitter are great outlets, I just didn’t have time to sit down and write my story …. this, plus all the bullshit at work, plus the PMS combined to make me feel down, depressed … like I was out of hope. My incredible super husband came to rescue, reminding me that I had to set boundaries and rules, that it is OK to take time to enjoy these outlets, that I’m better and more relaxed when I take time to focus on myself and that if my PIs have my best interest at heart, they’ll understand that you can’t keep going 24-7. And that yes, I have a laundry list of things to do to keep the lab running … but it’s not a sustainable model to stay in the lab for 12 hours straight, most days of the same week, having worked for 13 days before that non-stop. The way he said it sounded different than other times. Other times he’d let his frustration out and I felt like he was picking a fight, rather than being supportive. He said that talking with his mom had given him the idea to approach things differently … and it did go differently and it did sink in.

In NY my lab stayed open from 9 to 6. Sometimes we’d stay late and I did stay overnight one time. But, it wasn’t the norm, and I didn’t go to the lab on weekends. There were clear boundaries for the times I was expected to work. Here, since the lab is getting off the ground, there’s a lot of stuff to do and make happen … lots of things I’m trying to figure out … all while keeping 3 bosses (and counting, I’m sure there are more to come) happy. This is tough and it gets frustrating, because I feel like there aren’t enough hours in the day for me to get everything done (I’ve been texting my supervisor in NY, telling him how much more I appreciate all he did for me and for the lab). But now that I’m starting, even if I can’t do everything the overlords want when they want it … to keep some sense of sanity and normalcy, I have to set ground rules as far how much time I can spend at work and what gets solved while I’m there. One of my new job resolutions is to let people know that they can expect to have me present from 9:30am to 6pm, 5 days a week. That I am more than happy to help, but they have to let me know, I have too many things on my plate to just dump everything and come to their rescue at the last minute. I will try my best not to work on weekends, while keeping my cell phone at hand, should someone encounter a problem. I realize that I’m the first line of defense when it comes to instrumentation breaking. I promise to get things done and crossed off my to do list as often as I can, and to ask for help. And also to confront nazi-PI, should things ever get as nasty as they seemed to get this week. If I am to make this place work and people be happy and productive, they need to know that I need to have some control and that there are ground rules … otherwise I’m just their pawn … and then the resentment and frustration takes the best of me.

I also plan to stick to going to the torture chamber (g-y-m), eat a bit better and listen to the hubs when he tries to help out. I’m feeling much better, despite of the coming challenges I’m facing this week. We shall see how things go. Thanks for staying put and for your encouragement.

Do you like your job?

March 25, 2013 10:30 AM / 2 Comments

That is the question my dearest husband asked me yesterday. He wanted to know what are my impressions after being at the new job a few weeks in. First, I want to tell you that this week I’ve effin’ earned my salary. The first few days I was dealing with a lot of admin stuff, but this week started me off with finally getting my hands on instrumentation and working on it and through my frustrations with it for the first time since I left NYC. And gosh darnit, it has been tough. As I get familiar with one of my toys again and show a new crop of grad students and postdocs how to work with said toy, I realize that what I’m doing is hard work and I hope I can make it work and keep people happy or at least keep the instruments working so they can get the science done. And that’s is one huge responsibility.

But that aside, being at the new job has been interesting. In my previous entry I mentioned how people at work seem overly nice and concerned about keeping me happy. And how that freaked me out. Truth be told, I’m happy they’re making an honest effort to keep me happy and to make sure that everything I need, from office supplies, to gadgets for my toys … that every need for the lab (and for me) is covered so I can do my job. During the new employee orientation I heard someone say that one of the mottos of the organization is that they will give you the tools to get the mission accomplished, it is up to you to pony up the man/brain power. And I’ve seen that in full display during these last few weeks. This is something I definitely lacked as a postdoc, and in some instances missed in NY due to budget constraints (well, a stingy boss, truth be told).

With that said, I do miss NYC and my coworkers greatly. I’m still not over it and I don’t think I will for some time. In weeks like this one, where I get battling with an instrument and a specific piece of software I didn’t understand, I really, really missed them. I don’t have anyone to bounce ideas off of here, other than grad students and postdocs, and they have their own labs, projects and responsibilities. I’ve been told this week, on more than one occasion, that I’m putting too much pressure on myself. That I’m starting and that they don’t expect me to know everything, but that they know I’ll grow into my role in time. For now they’re happy to have someone full time and available when there are questions about how a particular piece of equipment. But I can’t help but feel the pressure, since I was in their shoes and in the lab I’m running a long time ago. I feel like it is expected of me to know they little details and the big picture that are needed to keep this core lab running.

Then, on the rare occasion I venture to Twitter, I see this and this. And it makes me think about my own career so far. My 6 years as a grad student, my two as a disgruntled postdoc, my almost two as a staff scientist, and now as lab manager.

During that disgruntled period of my life, many times I asked myself if I could see a career in the TT as my ultimate goal. My answer was always no. I’ve seen the sacrifice that many people make, from singletons, to people in committed, long term relationships, with and without progeny. I simply realized that if I felt overwhelmed, exhausted and pissed, without having kids, or writing R01 apps lefts and right, then the TT was definitely not for me. And I can say, with an honest heart that I don’t regret my decision. I still work my tail off, like this week, but I don’t depend on grant money to feed both my lab and the mouths of those that work with me. That is a responsibility I cannot see myself fulfilling. And I am more than OK with that. That isn’t to say that I do not admire PIs, I seriously do. The more I see the hurdles they have to jump through to keep a lab running, even when facing lack of money or publications, while maintaining a relationship with their families outside the lab, and attending recitals and soccer games, and dealing with admin bullshit and government cuts. My admiration for PIs knows no bounds.

And I can tell you that even as a staff scientist, I’ve pondered, like Isis has done, whether I see myself doing this for the rest of my life …. being a staff scientist, a lab manager, for the next 30 to forty years. That people, is a shit ton of time.

My own path into academic research wasn’t all straight all the time. Sure, I finished my undergrad and quickly started in a grad program. But during the years I was in grad school, I asked myself questions as to what I’d do in the future, once I stopped being a grad student. But I didn’t really face that beast until my very frustrating postdoc. And joining my previous job was an amazing eye opening experience that showed me that my love for the field of structural biology is real, that my PhD wasn’t a fluke (even when during weeks like this one I question whether I learned to do stuff right), and that I can help steer a lab in the right direction, with the right PIs above my head.

But still, I do on occasion wonder if I’ve made the right choice, and whether, should honey and I ever reproduce, my job career will be compatible with said choice. Even without kids, I wonder whether my job, with all its responsibilities, is compatible with hon and I hopping on a car or plane and going away for the weekend to explore a new city. I consider that an important part of our relationship, and something I want to continue to do. But as a lab manager, and as the first point of contact between the university and my PIs and the instrumentation and the service people I’m basically on-call 24-7, I’m kind of the emergency physician of my lab and should something go wrong while we’re away enjoying Charleston, or Lexington, or New Orleans, I can’t simply forget about my responsibilities as manager.

As it is I’m now carrying my phone with me everywhere I go. I answer emails while eating at Chipotle, text students and postdocs with answers about equipment, and have had to juggle meeting with three people in a time span of 5 minutes, all wanting something different from me. If this is a preview of what’s to come … then I’m in it for quite the ride of my life. And while I have the stamina right now and the drive to go from room to room, instrument panel to instrument panel and sit down and babysit students and instruments, there will be a time when I won’t be enough for it all. I saw it with my supervisor in NYC. The man could do 15 things at a time, yet he faced our boss who always had a complaint or issue, who had a particular vision on how to do things, but hardly any grasp on the difficulty to set them in motion. All while having a small kid and a baby and a wife to take care of. I saw the bags under his eyes and I tried making him laugh as often as I could … but even then, he wasn’t enough and it was/is hard on him. Am I just as strong and driven as he is? Do I care enough about my new lab and my fellow users to make sacrifices? And will my honey resent me, should I choose them over him on occasion? Is this a lifestyle I can thrive in and be successful for years to come?

I have no idea and I am scared. I know that the pipeline is leaky and I don’t believe in the work/life balance. To me that’s simply BS, something always gives (or has to), and most of the time it ends up being the family. And I don’t want to see that happen. I don’t want to be like one of my last mentors who would show up at home at midnight, then be back in the lab by 9am, not have dinner with their spouse, only to end up divorced.

These are all important questions to answer, I just don’t know how for now. I hope I can figure some of it out, and that when it comes to choosing work or family, I will find a happy medium …. if that is possible at all.

Guest Blogger – Mr 30 and a PhD shares his POV of our engagement

January 14, 2013 11:37 AM / 8 Comments

It fills me with great joy to have my loving honey tell his side of the story (and the back story which I always find even more irresistible than the engagement!) of our engagement. I thank you my love for agreeing to write this and have everyone read it, and I’m excited to have you as my partner and life-long companion. Te amo <3

Honey’s side of the story:

For seven years we endured the dreaded routine questions: “So, when are you guys finally getting married?” and “When are you going to have kids?” There was always that emphasis on “finally”, as if life has no meaning without the piece of paper from the church or the state or without any offspring. Many times I told the Doc that we should just live together forever without getting married just to spite people. She would agree with me openly, but I always suspected that, privately, she did not like that idea.

The truth of the matter is that I never really planned on going through with my “fuck-the-people” idea. I mean, yes, I certainly wanted to spite people, but not at our own expense. The Doc and I had had conversations about our future and our relationship and we always knew that marriage was in our horizon. However, we were not going to follow other people’s timetables. We would do it when we thought it appropriate.

I started thinking seriously about marriage when I finished writing my dissertation. The Doc and I have had to put our life together on hold so many times because of graduate school and work. If you’ve been following the Doc’s blog, you know by now how many times we’ve had to do the long-distance routine. But, at last, I had no other responsibilities, no other obligations. There were no dissertations, or postdocs, or bosses to keep us apart anymore. We could finally plan to move to the same place, permanently, and think about our little family unit (the Doc, the Kitteh and meh) in the long term. In March or April of 2012, then, I began contemplating the possibility of submitting an official proposal of matrimony for the Doc’s peer-review.

Before moving on to the story of the actual proposal (which is probably more like a “behind-the-scenes”), I would like to clarify something the Doc wrote in her account. She wrote, and I quote: “but he also said that although we’re in a relationship of equals, he still wanted to do the proposal the ‘right way’”. No, I NEVER said that (note from the Doc: oh yes he did, and I have the DMs to prove it). I never explicitly or implicitly expressed my approval for traditional gender roles that mandate that the man has to propose marriage. Never. I would’ve reviewed favourably any marriage application she submitted my way. However, as progressive as the Doc is, she does come from a rather conservative background. She has certain conservative hangups that I try to respect because we all have some of those. After all, we’re born and bred into these puritanical societies and though we try to evolve and swim against the current, certain things just stick with us. So what I said was that I would respect this particular expectation of hers and I would be the one who proposed. Okay, now I feel better.

When the Doc and I first started going out together, I told her that there were two things I didn’t give as gifts: clothing or jewelery. There were two main reasons behind this decision: 1) I have no money to buy jewelery and 2) clothing and jewelry are very personal things that put pressure on the person who receives them. I don’t mean pressure as in commitment, but as in “when-are-you-going-to-wear-that-beautiful-fake-leather-jacket-with-the-oversized-clowns-and-the-matching-neon-aluminum-earrings-I-bought-you” kind of pressure. I’ve wavered a little bit on this throughout our seven year relationship. Every now and then I get her a pair of earrings from a trip or a shirt from a store she really loves. But they’re usually small items that I’m positive she’ll like and on the off-chance she doesn’t, I didn’t spend my life savings on it. Nonetheless, this time was different. I had to get her something she would like. I would feel terrible if she forced herself to put on an engagement ring she hated just because it was special to me. There was no other way around it: she had to be involved in the process.

I would have preferred to be able to hit a home run on my own. I would love to tell you that I absolutely picked the perfect engagement ring without any word from the Doc at all: I surprised her, she fainted and when she woke up she screamed: “HE WENT TO JARED!” But, no, alas, that’s not how it happened (and for the record, even with an unlimited budget I would have never gone to Jared). I had started to save some websites she had sent me with rings she liked (she did this sometimes out of the blue – *hint hint*). But instead of saving these websites on a social bookmarking site like Delicious or Evernote, I relied on the lazy Firefox Bookmarks. This was a fatal mistake. My computer died in August and took with it all my bookmarks. I was back to square one. I didn’t have any of the rings she liked and I wasn’t sure I could recognize them. So I had to nudge her to send me more. After 7 years of never getting her any real jewelery, I could think of no way to do this without arousing her suspicions. So, instead of fighting it and trying to surprise her, I went the opposite way: drown her in so many rings, she wouldn’t have any idea which one she was getting. I started asking her for rings, I sent her rings, I sent her catalogs, I sent her stores from ETSY; I just had an avalanche of rings everywhere.

Of course, she got suspicious. She would ask why the sudden interest and I lied saying that since I finally had a little bit of money (I started teaching my first master’s course in the fall), I wanted to get her a nice present. It’s not a great excuse, I know. But you can’t really fool the Doc. She watches crime shows 24/7. She is incredibly observant. She’s almost psychic! The ONLY way to fool her is to not say a single word. The best gifts I’ve given her have been like that: total silence up until the moment where I deliver. That wasn’t an option this time.

So after sifting through hundreds of rings, I finally found one that complied with all of our criteria (both hers and mine): it was a beautiful hand-crafted ring with no conflict stones, no gaudy jewels and would not force either of us into debt. Once I made up my mind, I tried to buy the ring as soon as possible. Alas, it was a little bit more complicated than that. As soon as I clicked “check out” on the website, I was told by a very polite announcement that the seller did not ship to my “backwater piece of shit country” (I may be paraphrasing a little bit). So, even though I was a bit indignant at the fact that the seller did not ship to my country, I still wanted that particular ring. I knew the Doc would love it. I emailed the seller and explained my predicament. The seller turned out to be a very nice woman who was open to changing her shipping options. This, of course, made me feel better about supporting a business that did not want to ship to my country in the first place. She was very helpful and polite. Finally, I had the ring.

But then there was another problem. Where to do this? I wanted a place that was private but not deserted. I live in a very dangerous country and I did not want to become a headline on the local newspaper. I knew I didn’t want to do it in a restaurant, because restaurants are crowded and noisy and cliched. So, I thought about many different places, but even though I had a few finalists, none of them seemed to really grab me. One day, out of the blue, I started thinking about the most breathtaking views in my town. I live in a coastal town, so there are bound to be some pretty sights. But I could not think of one that met my criteria. However, in a moment of divine inspiration, I remembered this beautiful little chapel on top of a mountain that overlooks the entire coastal area. Of course! How could I forget! This is the best view here.

I was a little skeptical about proposing in church ground because the Doc and I have our reservations about our religion at the moment. Nonetheless, I owed it to both of us to go and at least check it out and see if the place was, in fact, a good spot for a marriage proposal. I decided to go there at around 5 pm a few days before the Doc was set to arrive. When I got there, I immediately knew this would be the spot. I don’t mind telling you, I got very emotional at that point. I didn’t cry, but a sense of peace and happiness came over me. I knew I had found the place. (BTW, I forgot to mention that when I received the ring in the mail and saw it for the first time, I did cry. I was overjoyed, because I knew she would love it).

The next step was figuring out how to propose. I wanted to do something that was representative of me and, at the same time, allowed me to convey to the Doc everything I wanted to tell her. So I decided to make her a video card. I had done this early on in our relationship and never again. But I thought it was appropriate this time around because 1) I’m a media professor, and 2) there were many things I wanted to say and I wanted to make sure I got to say them. I wrote and created a video called: “7 years, 7 reasons” and in it I detailed the 7 top reasons for us to get married (although I never once mentioned the word ‘marriage’ in the video because I wanted to ask her that myself). After creating the video, I put it on my Nook to show it to her while we were there in the most beautiful place in our neck of the woods.

There were some other details that needed planning, but they’re not really interesting and I’ve dragged on long enough so I will just mention them. I tried to plan a very nice evening that would follow the proposal, but everything I could think of was almost impossible to do in this part of the country. So, I had to make do with what we have.

I had told the Doc to set December the 26th aside because I wanted us to go on a date. It had been two months since we last saw each other, so I wanted to take her out for a proper date; a night just for the two of us. In case you’re wondering, I didn’t choose the 26th because of any particular significance. The Doc arrived here on the 25 and I wanted to give her a little space before taking her out, but I also wanted to give her the beautiful ring as quickly as possible. I was dying to see her reaction.

When the 26th finally came, I prayed to the gods to hold off on the rain. I live in a very, very rainy place and it always comes down in the worst possible moments. The gods heard me (for the most part). When I went to pick her up at her house, the clouds were dark and they had begun to cry a little bit. I was worried that the rain would mess up our moment, but my mother had told me: “Don’t worry. It will be very special regardless. All you need is the Doc, you and the words. Everything else is a bonus”. I tried to not worry about it, but I am always a panicky mess.

When we got there, the droplets of water were the least of our concerns. One of the nuns in charge of the chapel told us that they were closing the gate. I was flabbergasted. I had done a dry run at around the same time and I had seen no one trying to close the gate. It wasn’t even an actual closing time. It wasn’t 5:30 or 6:00, it was 5:42 or some such nonsense. So I put my best puppy eyes and told her that we wanted to visit the chapel briefly, that the Doc had flown in from another country and she was counting on it. And the nun took pity on me and told me that she would close up and to just tell her when we were done so she could open the gate. It turned out to be even better, because we were the only ones in the mount. We sat by a bench behind the little chapel that overlooked all the trees, the sky, the coastline and everything else that God had given us that day. I showed her the video while I held her close and while the sky spit at us a little bit. When the video finished, I tried to speak. The tears began streaming down my face, and my voice began trembling. I never thought this moment would overwhelm me so much. But there I was, staring at my partner for the last seven years and giving her a pretty, small box that had a ring we both picked out (even if she didn’t know which one she was getting). Through my tears, I asked her if she wanted to form a family with me, a question I now feel wasn’t appropriate because she is already family. But, nonetheless, she understood. Like so many times before, she understood.

After she put on the ring and kissed me, we went off to start the rest of our date; to commemorate the night we told each other “You’re the only one I want.”

So my lovelies, there you have it … the story of hon’s marriage proposal (with some juicy behind the scenes details on how it all went down). I thank Mr. Honey for agreeing to share his side of the story. We’ll keep you posted on the wedding preparations and hopefully a picture or two (not showing faces of course) will be shared when the moment comes.

Changes, so many changes

January 4, 2013 3:50 PM / 31 Comments

When I moved to NYC almost two years ago, I knew that my position wouldn’t be a forever-type thing. I wanted, I needed to have some security, to get out of the training loop. I wanted to have benefits, to have a job that involved doing science, training, sample prep, and of course, learning new skills to add to my repertoire.

I knew the position would only be a temporary fix to my situation at the time (frustrated with academia, hated my postdoc, etc). I also knew, or at least expected, that the separation from honey would be a temporary one, especially while he finished his PhD. He’d be looking for work, hopefully in NYC or nearby, and we’d reunite after a while.

Hon was struggling for a few months to try to find work. He lived with his parents in the meantime, as my salary could not sustain the two of us. We went back to the long distance thing, with him doing most of the traveling to NYC. We’ve had a fantastic time in this city. This city is amazing. I’ve met some super fantastic folks, I’ve made contacts that I never even dreamed would be possible. I’ve met some of my favourite scientists, connected with emerging ones, in general, I’ve had a grand ole time.

I hadn’t been looking for work, or at least actively, since joining my current lab. Since I did such a short postdoc (in my opinion), only 1.9 years, I was afraid of doing a bunch of short stints at a couple of places, and creating the impression that I couldn’t hold on to something for a while, and improve my publication profile, network, present, etc.

Back in October I was contacted by a somewhat new hire at one of my previous places of training. I know this PI because they started in this place just as I was finishing. This PI’s postdoc lab is rather famous in my field, and has been very prolific in method-development. In addition, this lab has had a shit ton of trainees, some of which I’ve gotten to work with or meet since moving to NYC.

People at this previous place of training have been searching high and low for someone to be a manager of a lab in one of my disciplines of training. There have been some major changes (faculty-wise) and some of the people in power know of me and my work.

A couple of weeks ago I flew in for an interview, not sure of what to expect. I hadn’t seen these people since I left for my current job and I wasn’t sure how I’d fit in (if at all). Granted, I was trained at some point of my career there and people know the calibre of work I did. I was sure that all I’d get would be a free trip to say hello and goodbye and that’d be the end of it. I was oh-so wrong.

A few days ago I got semi-official confirmation that the position has been opened … for me. In essence I was asked to name everything I needed In order to leave NYC and join them. Yup. I’m still trying to pick my jaw off the floor.

I’m switching jobs once again. I’m going back and (hopefully) getting a do-over of some of the things I didn’t get to do, or did wrong. Hon will be relocating also, which means I get to have my cake and eat it too! Yeah, pinch me. I’m still trying to understand how the heck did this happen.

This new job has the potential for incredible amounts of growth. I’d be heading a lab I worked in, not as a PI, but as a bona fide manager. I’d be training people, creating protocols, collecting data, interacting with PI’s, postdocs and students of all levels. There would be no middle man like there is now. I’d basically become the female version of my current immediate supervisor, a person I adore beyond measure.

Yeah. I’m still freaking out. I can’t begin to wrap my head around the whole thing. I’ll be leaving NYC. That saddens me terribly. But what I earn now is not enough to live with hon, let alone cover the debt I have. I’d be getting access to the same level of benefits I currently have, along with more responsibility. I’d have access to a kick ass library, to decent sports teams, good food, and a whole new wave of talent.

I’m both excited and terrified. I’m excited about the possibility of working once again with people I know, but in a new aspect of my career. This is not a soft money position and I’m thrilled that the school/department/faculty kept me in mind when the whole change in faculty/department structure happened.

I also have some worries. I’d be the only woman in the lab, in a conservative environment where most of the faculty are white bearded dudes. And while I’ve been trained well in the science and in some admin stuff, I have no idea how to confront white bearded dudes, should they get out of line. I’m half their age at best … this shit is crazy.

I’ve certainly changed a bit from my old days there, so I don’t know how my “new” personality will mesh. I’m worried about that too. I’m worried about how I’ll be able to head the lab and move things along to show that the lab is self-sustaining and that we can bring more staff to help me. I’m worried about the pace of things, and about meeting the expectations. I don’t want to let anyone down. And of course, my imposter syndrome is acting up.

I’m happy about the change though (well, except the part about leaving NYC), about living with honey and being able to afford a place where we’re each others’ only roommate, of continuing our own little family, mamma, dadda and kitty. I’m happy to be able to drive places once again. I won’t miss living with total strangers (thankfully all of them have been sane!), the noises of the street, the crazy, stinky people during rush hour. NYC has been a tremendous adventure, but it’s my time to go.

We’ll see how things happen. But rest assured, I’ll keep writing about life in school, and life as a staff scientist, now loaded with moar responsibiliteez. Omai. I hope the new job, and the new me will still shed some light on the post-academic life. I hope y’all hang in there while I figure out my new roles, as a wife and lab manager.

Oh!? Did I mention that honey proposed and that we’ll be getting married in NYC before the move? Yeah …. totally. But that’s for another post, hehehe

Much love from my family to yours and a very merry 2013.

Updates and links

September 24, 2012 9:00 AM / Leave a Comment

I keep having a hard time coming up with original content to write every week. Partly, it’s due to the fact that the semester has started, we’re teaching a course and there’s a lot of organization and planning to do. In addition, because we’re still a user-driven facility, we get requests to do set up experiments and equipment all the time. I’ve become the go-to person in the lab in terms of knowing where everything is, asking for quotes, helping to process data that only my immediate supervisor and I know how to process. While it is all good, it’s a lot of work. I’m barely thinking about academia these days. But I’ve kept writing here and there and now I’m sharing those links, in case you’re interested. As you may have noticed I’m also not tweeting as often, this is part of the whole “not having a clue” about what to write. I feel like I’m out of ideas, and/or fresh content. I find it sad. I wish I could talk in more detail about what is it that I do and what my job entails … but I’m just not ready to say who I am to the whole world. Anyway, here are some links of some of the other places I contribute to. Enjoy!

My reasons to move elsewhere in academia – over at Bio Careers

Little things I wish I’d known in grad school parts 1, 2 and 3 – over at 1DegreeBio

27 and a PhD