Stress helps me spend the money I don’t have and need to move

So, next week I’ll defend my PhD thesis. I’ve been telling myself, and my friends, family and boyfriend that I’m fine. Sometimes I even believe it myself … but I’m scared shitless and I can’t believe that the defense date is almost here.

Like some others who turn to food for comfort, I turn myself into a buying machine, when stressed. I cannot begin to describe the rush I get. It’s like a drug. And with the excuse of having my 28th b-day this weekend, my thesis coming up, my BF’s b-day coming up too and my thesis, and my thesis again, that I’m shopping like a maniac.

I should get a good hold of myself since I’ll be moving in ~ 2 weeks. Thinking of every single thing I need to pack, sell (not being very successful on that one, ugh!), donate or throw away should move me away from buying. At least I’m not using my credit cards. I got really scared this last cycle because I went over the limit for 3 friggin’ dollars since a monitoring service I had signed up for (and then called to cancel) had not been canceled and I was charged for it. I called them and fixed everything, and tried to move money from my bank to my CC account but that takes at least a day and this was on a weekend. I was also close to the limit on my bank’s overdraft protection thing, so I had to do some scary maneuvers to avoid being hit with double overdraft/overspend charges. This goes to show you how stressed I am. Luckily I’m paying off that CCard and hopefully next year I’ll be able to close it.

I went today to the mall with a friend and almost bought a dress for 99$. Thank GOD we thought it was 56$ (I’d picked another one from the same designer at a nearby rack that was discounted 43$). I checked the price and left it on the rack. But then I went to Target, spent 17$ on a pizza (I don’t have the stamina to cook these days), frozen blueberries and a pack of razor cartridges that was discounted). Then I stopped at a car washed and got my car washed for 9$ (I was planning on doing this one since my mom is coming soon and I wanted to have my car clean and nice looking). Today I received a vintage purse I ordered 2 weeks ago and one of my BF’s b-day gifts.

I’m telling you. At this pace, I won’t have money left to pay for my cat’s vaccines (if she needs to get any before we move), my work visa (~150$), gas for the trip, the u-haul thingie to haul my boxes, etc and all the other expenses. I guess I’m tricking my mind into thinking that since my rent is finished here and I’ll pay for next months rent with my paycheck at the new job everything is fine. I’m supposed to receive my last check from the department at some point … which I’m hoping won’t be at the end of the month, but who knows.

Everything is NOT fine. I’m stresses and scared. I like to plan ahead, but can’t. I feel like crying, but I can’t …. so I turn to spend my hard-earned dollars on cute shit. Ugh!

More to come in the next few days.